What To Expect From University

So you’re off to University? Congratulations, you’ve now all but saddled yourself with a mind-crushing debt upwards of £27,000 and you’ve yet to really do anything with your life except pass your driving test and lose your virginity. No but seriously, you’ve had the prospect of university drilled into your soft brain for three years by teachers and parents, so you’re kind of fucked. You’ll have to slog it out, stay up late and work till the very sight of an empty Word document sends you frantically screaming, falling backwards through an upturned reality while biting a homeless person’s face off. You’ll bitch, moan, drink alone in your halls and squeeze at least one unknown liquid out of your genitals by the time you’re done. So you better make it a double, for an extra £1.

Freshers

Yeah! All week partying, a week of freebies, a week of drinking down any shred of an idea you have of what the fuck you’re actually doing with your life. You’re scared but the Jaeger makes for fantastic angst concealer, take that one with you.
It’s okay though, everyone is scared and lonely. You might be thinking “but if everyone’s lonely, doesn’t that mean we should all bond and be happy and nice to our fellow-man or woman, so that life is easier?”

No, you shouldn’t. You are not that likable, you are probably one of the most annoying people ever to be shot out of a cunt. Every quirk your friends back home thought was cute, will more than likely make people want to wound you with a blunt object. There’s a huge chance you will not totally love everyone you meet as well. However, because you’re afraid, worried and so desperate to get a hold of a gaggle of ‘Uni friends’ to compete with your friend’s Uni friends and obviously have people to take ‘#yolo’ photographs with, you’ll be willing to let anyone in.

“It’s 4am, I’ve just had the greatest night of my life…now I have to go Skype with my girlfriend”

Sex & Relationships

You will fuck… a lot. I’ve heard from reliable sources that men’s tallies go up by half from when they were nailing back home, and for women, up-to 6 times as many. I know right, that’s bullshit, that is a lie because you are a beautiful delicate lady who would never want to cram two dicks into your mouth while someone films you. That might be true, but you are going to fuck other people, you just are, there are 133,357 students your age, away from their parents, with their own rooms with locking fucking doors (there’s a joke in there). That’s like putting Sandusky in a playground and telling him not to start a prestigious football academy (boyfucking).

If you’re a guy with no real interest in ‘UniLad’ your hands will look like callus-y apprenticeship, working class hands in no time at all, get ready. It’s not a bad thing though, you can further your sexual experiences, do some crazy shit and have a fun story to tell people. How much better is:

“This one time at university, kids I went to a bar with a few friends and picked up this Thai chick. We had a few drinks then ended up back at mine. One thing lead to another and then I blacked out… I woke up later in A&E with my wrist shackled to a chair by a handcuff, no shoes, a bloody nose and a speeding ticket… as well as having a gram of coke in my pocket”

Compared to: “I got off the phone with your mom, then went to sleep”.

And that kids, is how I met your mother, now put E4 on.

Drinking

You’ll think you can drink more because you’re in a new place, a new town with new people and because you’re horrendously awkward with new people, because you’ve been pals with the same four people for the best part of your lame existence… You have to evolve and alcohol, alcohol my friend is the brilliant primordial soup that will help you grow. Just think of alcohol as folic acid, ask you’re mom about it.

It’s like the evolution of zombies, we made them slow, and then we made them run. We (people) even went crazy and made a zombie baby in Dawn of the Dead… so fuck, you can evolve; you’ll get fucking awesome so don’t kill yourself! Just throw up and cry.

You’ll never have enough money

WOAH! don’t start blowing folks for change just yet (seriously keep that in the pipe line though.) Consider giving up smoking you fucking douche; buy less expensive alcohol. Glen’s vodka tastes like battery acid but it’ll get you just as drunk as vodka from a crystal horn, built from the antler of a stag named Jaquen H’Gar. Although really, you don’t need a fuck load of money to survive at University. It’s fantastic if you have a trust fund, a dead grandparent or your mom lathers care packages onto you, but for the majority of us, we’ve left for University with the intention of seeing the family at Christmas and birthdays only. Fuck Mother’s day.

Tip: Every student is poor, don’t complain or moan. Also, no one gives a shit if you get a job, you’re an adult. “You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis“. Be cool and quote pop culture movies like a dork.

Tip: I know the temptation to take pictures of empty bottles seems like a fun and quirky idea, but don’t fucking do it.

Granted, that is bad ass.

Naaht funny!

I found that when I went back home after my first year finished, I didn’t really gel all that well with my old friends. I’d become accustomed to, not high-brow humour, (I was still making dick jokes by the dozen) but I couldn’t just chat shit for hours like I used to (so I’ve moved onto a blog!). It’s similar to being sober when everyone you hang out with is all shades of drunk, you turn into an asshole full of misanthropy and quiet self hate.

Now the only reason for this is that you’ve had a new experience and in many ways, you’ve grown up and the sudden end of term has catapulted you back to the former ‘you’ of a year ago, worrying about revision and posting it all over Facebook and Twitter. So now you’re comparing how shit your life is at home to how awesome and great university is.

You’ll find out new words and phrases at University. I found out  ‘Got time for this’ which pretty much means “Yes, I like this”. With groups of friends, when they hang out, they have little memes and inside jokes which when they’re all together, they laugh at. The sad thing is that they don’t translate to other groups. So out of the blocks of your character which form the building that is you, I’d say about 40% of that is going to wither away and die. This goes onto the ‘evolve’ point, you’ll change as a person.

Don’t worry though! That £6,000 maintenance loan that you fought tooth and claw against http://www.studentfinance.direct.gov.ukfor, looks as good to you as bread and cheese looked to the folks walking out of Auschwitz.

It’s not all bad though, you will make friends and embark on new journeys that will no doubt help to form you as a person DISCLAIMER you’ll probably lose an erection at some point.