DON’T CLICK OFF JUST WAIT A SECOND!

Now that I have your attention. This is me if I was a drawing.

cropped-hitmonchan-laptop1.png

This is my personal blog. Some longer articles are over there*, and spur of the moment, spontaneous** posts are down below.

I pretty much just chat shit and try to at least sound somewhat of a smarty-pants in between cuss words.

*Top right hand corner. Hover over the ‘Article’ button then pick whatever floats your boat.

**The thing your girlfriend moans at you for not being. I don’t know either, man. 

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Behind The Spleens – Photoshoot

Merry Tuesday. As an incredibly talented person, gifted with a jaw line that can only have been crafted from the cliffs of distant mountains, enhanced with darkly cold eyes and dabbed… dabbed with the paint brush of fair complexion, I went on a photoshoot in the middle of Wolverhampton.

My friend Alex Lee Johnson (@JohnsonAlexLee) is a professional photographer and wanted to try snapping a shot of a water balloon exploding in my face.

Here’s how we got on; (no nudity) 
http://www.facebook.com/AlexLeeJohnsonPhotography

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10201374163302790

 

A Bunch of Unfortunate Events

So after a little shop round ASDA, I go back to my building and get in the lift. The lift door opens and I walk across the landing to my door and open it with the key fob.

I walk in, my arms are heavy and achy with the shopping so I go straight into the kitchen and there, looking at me, are 3 random people that I have never met before, not only are there strangers in my kitchen which is fairly worrying in of it’s self, they are gutting a fish.

Casually (and fearfully) I give them a ‘whats up’ and begin putting my food away, presuming the trio of fish fans are my flat mates friends (Try saying that pissed). However I then notice, the TV is on the wrong side of the wall… and the sofa’s are at a weird angle…

The fridge I’m looking in hasn’t got any of my stuff in, nor does the cupboard. I gaze up at the three people staring at me, their eyes filled with shock and confusion.

Slowly it dawns on me. I’m in the wrong flat.

Yes, I’m at University.

Smoking and Sinister Things

SMOKING KILLS.

Smoking seriously damages your health. We still smoke today in 2013 because tobacco is readily available and highly addictive. We know it’s bad for us, but we still get a 20 deck at the checkout at Tesco Express. Or grab 10 B&H  at the Offie for the smoking area outside our least favourite night spot.

Smoking is fundamentally bad for our lives,  however it’s legal. I’m about to chat shit for a bit and try to convey something I find deeply unsettling.

The diseases associated with smoking costs the National Health Service £5,000,000,000 a year which is ultimately funded by the public, using the general taxation system.

With that said I ask you; Wouldn’t it be financially beneficial and just plain healthier for humans if we closed down that entire tobacco industry that is killing millions and costing billions world-wide.

Well to most of us, “FUCK YEAH, IT WOULD!” I’m sure we could all do with not dying at 43 and having more money in our shorts to spend on other things, huh?

Big Business 
There at 6 highly successful companies who hold the entire tobacco market of Earth between them. They employ thousands and spend billions on advertising even in today’s market (when dead babies are on the box). Benson and Hedges, a popular brand is owned by 3 of those 6 companies.  I pulled this from the internet;

“Cigarette companies make about $180 billion a year in profit. Cigarettes are not cheap and can be a significant part of one’s budget and they are not good for you. It is best to stop smoking.”


$180,000,000,000 per year, in profit. Turns out, there’s loads of profit in getting people hooked on cigarettes.

SMOKING HOT, RIGHT!?

SMOKING HOT, RIGHT!?

In these gigantic, faceless, powerful companies there are people just like you and me, and they keep their incredibly high paying job knowing full well that their products are killing the same genetic code as them every-single-day, all over the planet and they do nothing.

That’s evil. They’re killing people, people we know. Our representatives that we entrusted with the biggest responsibilities should create laws and regulations stopping the production and distribution of these products.

Right? If somebody is killing somebody else, we stop it don’t we? If it’s costing us extraordinary amounts of money in the process, OBVIOUSLY it should be stopped.

But that hasn’t happened. 

What would happen if that massive $180,000,000,000 suddenly got sucked out of the world economy. The public, you and me who purchase these tasty death sticks would be more wealthy as a whole because we physically couldn’t hand over the money any more because cigarettes would not be around to buy.

Why isn’t this the case? It would save lives and inject a huge amount of money back into the system via the general public (ex smokers). From a health and economic point it makes total sense.

So just why isn’t this happening?

Because stocks would shake or something like that. People would lose their jobs. Dead cats would be bouncing and all sorts of other shit, probably. But in a nutshell.

Profit and greed over health and well-being. Your government doesn’t love you. It doesn’t even like you, it just wants you to keep spending legal, traceable money. So buy a baller, sit on a hill and watch the city twinkle. But THE MAN probably has his finger in that fucking pie as well…

Ain’t freedom good?

Watch “Inside Job” the movie. Understand just why the 2008 banking crisis happened.
Who was responsible and what those people are doing today. It’s a trip. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1645089/

Gangster Asian Girl Signs Yearbook In Style

The Notorious Jessica Lee

The Notorious Jessica Lee

At first glance Jessica Lee seems to have signed her yearbook on with an array of seemingly random elements from the periodic table.

So what do we know about Jessica Lee that is so important for articles to be written about her? She’s pretty, very Asian,  she has a lovely smile and digs the ever-loving shit out of science. Oh, and she’s a fucking GANGSTER! I’m not talking old school patrolling the corner of her block with a fully loaded nine. I’m not even talking about a “throw your money in the air if you a true player!” either. This is some Usual Suspects, Kevin Spacey, Biggie Smalls, leaving clues in rocks like that happy ending in Shawshank Redemption (if you haven’t seen it by now, that spoiler is your fault) coming together 

I’ll explain.

Check it yo. Here are the elements our new best friend Jessica used and their individual element symbols;

(F) flourine (U) uranium (C) carbon (K) potassium (Bi) bismuth (Tc) technetium (He) helium (S) sulfur (Ge) germanium (Tm) thulium (O) oxygen (Ne) neon (Y) yttrium

Note the specific order she displayed them in then go ahead and write them down if you have to.

——-

OHHHHHHHH!  OH! WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT! 

Are you sexually attracted to her  right now?!

Do you want to find an Asian girlfriend right now?!

Are you going to search her on Facebook?!

THE ANSWER IS YES, YES AND no, that would be fucking weird, dude. 

Now don’t start thinking “Is that 140 characters?” “Can I fit that in my profile on Twitter?”  Just understand that the Asian’s have all the answers and will kill us all.

Thank you.

Girl Eats Used Tampon

HerYeah that’s exactly what it sounds like folks, a girl ate her own used tampon on camera, then put it on the internet…Thank you, because we like crazy shit don’t we internet! If you haven’t seen this, go find it. I’m not linking you to a video because it’s easy enough to find and I don’t want to be tempted into a wank again.

As with everything on the internet there’s controversy coming from anyone who see’s this video as anything more than a “Oh fuck!” sighting red colour dye with screams of “FAKE, FAKE MAN, ITS FAKE!” And I for one will be the first to admit that It could be fake, but I don’t care. I didn’t even know what a tampon really looked like coming into this video and I’m 21, I just never looked when my mom used to throw them at me and my brother, it’s just something I didn’t do.

The video starts as a fairly happy scene, a smiling pound heavy teen with big ol’ tittay’s and a really nice bathroom with wood and plants everywhere. The girl then introduces herself and shows the camera that there’s nothing going on the floor, no 3rd party interaction or anything, she then proceeds to pull out her blood filled wad of cloth and unhappiness with little more than a squint and places it every so lovingly on the counter for us…

It’s everything you’d expect and twice as hot. If you aren’t turned on by now, then boy there’s something wrong with you. We all know what’s coming now, the gulp. She holds the tampon to her nose and recoils from the stench of either the blood or her pussy, we just don’t know. Then she looks at the camera and says with all the zeal in the world.

“If anybody thinks this is a fake, there’s something seriously wrong with you.” With a quirky smile for the camera.

“YOU’RE EATING A FUCKING TAMPON YOU SILLY BITCH!”

Although this is bleak, fear not Internet! She does have a wooden Indiana Jones-like cup of water and some music to get her in the zone. As if that’s going to make the experience any better but she keeps fist pumping, takes a sip of water and in goes the tampon…

She did!

I won’t lie, I tapped out when the first copper flavouring touched her tongue I just couldn’t handle it. I genuinely felt like I’d aged 400 years like our Nazi treasure hunter friend up there.

Then she sucks out the nourishment and throws up all over her daddy’s middle class bathroom and we get an icky feeling in our mouth and start feeling differently about vagina much like an actor synonymous with Scientology did 20 years ago.

Now we come to the question of ‘why?’  What would propel a happy teen to suck on tampon for the Internet’s amusement? I DON’T KNOW, but i’ve came up with this set of answers.

. She was hungry (first fat joke, eat a dick)
. Search for the fountain of youth
. Jock said he’d swing her some pipe her way if she did it
. It’s fake and she wanted to troll us
. Internet fame
. Or she’s the ultimate truth or dare player in the history of the fucking world.

I hope it’s the latter I really do because I don’t want to see on the news in 2 days time that she’s been found hanging in her bedroom from 5000 tied together tampon strings…That would be really sad.

I’ll sign off with a piece of advice that we can all take on board and inject into our day-to-day lives. Tampons are not for eating, period.

If you liked this, follow me @Matrickk

Diary of a Septoplasty Surgery.

My face the day beforeThe Diary of Septoplasty Surgery

My face day of surgeryI’m 21, 8 days ago I had surgery on my deviated septum. I’m not there yet, but I feel WAY better than I felt on day 4.  If you’re getting over this surgery and you’re on day 1-5, put the shogun down, it gets better, eventually.

I went through my teenage years with only half a working nostril. I was a total mouth breathing retard, constantly falling asleep with my mouth gaping open and that then leads to having a dry, sore throat and tonsils. Trust me, waking up most mornings with a throat that resembles that disgusting sand filled vagina-hole in Return of the Jedi is not a character building experience.

So at 21 I thought ‘fuck it’ and I perused getting my nose fixed.

Now after the limited amount of research I looked blankly at for 10 minutes, I learned very little. But from the majority of the updates on the internet and people’s own feelings post surgery, I was feeling glum as fuck. People of the internet LOVE a moan, and so do I. Here’s what went down for me.

Day 1: Waking up after surgery, I was out for 2 hours. I come around surrounded by people, mostly folks who work there. I’m groggy and at this point VERY murderable, seriously, I wouldn’t have been able to run away from a worm with leprosy at that point. The first thing I did was throw up, everywhere, all blood, more than once. My nose was tightly packed with gauze and dissolvable packs which hold the airways of your newly cut-to-fuck nose open. I threw up some more, and then went home after asking the nurse If I could as hospitals aren’t my favourite place. Yeah, people die there every day, fuck that.

I know that  last insight may have blown your mind but hold onto your ass, It happens. The best thing you can do is get home, buy  painkillers and bring your stress level down and just prepare yourself for a sucky 3 days.

Day 2: I slept for 2 hours, it was a dogshit sleep. My throat hurt more than my nose, the breathing tube they used in surgery must’ve been jammed down my neck like a plumbing snake, I was in pain. My nose is packed with blood, snot, poor African children and these pads which absorb the blood. Eating is painful, smiling is painful, my face hurt. I watched a lot of Scrubs and endeavoured to find out if anyone with Dr Turks charisma ever really could exist around that many dying people.

Day 3: I slept worse, my face wasn’t bruised but it felt like a small ape was behind my nose punching pink discharge out of my newly formed face, which is expected but it’s a fairly shit experience. Now you may get asked to squirt a saline solution up your nose 4 times a day to keep your snout moist and lower infection rates, you might not want to do this because it’s uncomfortable, and that’s fine but if you don’t do this you’re a gonk. Tough it out and squirt that salty stuff into your mouth and nose you pretty boy.

Day 4: Getting better, feeling more like myself. I don’t hate being alive at this point but I’m exciting to start being able to eat again. However, Illness strikes and my uvula swells to the size of roughly my entire throat so it’s a perfect fit to fuck with my life. Drinking is agony and eating is impossible. After a quick call to the hospital, they throw me some steroids which bring down the swelling. Now if this happens to you, get on the horn with the hospital and get these steroids straight away. Your throat won’t get better on it’s own because your nose being blocked shoves more air into your mouth and that aggravates your dangly. Get the roids, they’re only pills but they make your next 5 days bearable to the point you can eat soft bread and butter, which at that point for me tasted like I was eating a steak that God took off the Hindu’s thousands of years ago, and reared it, took care of it then violently killed and cooked in secret, just for me. It was wonderful.

Day 5 onwards: Stop moaning, you get better now! You still shouldn’t run, walk, move at all but if you hang out and home and get some work done, write a poem, pet your cat or just watch hours of loose women and start appreciating just how miserable having dried up eggs inside your cunt makes 4 middle-aged women. Just rest, rest and eat light and don’t get too brave when picking your nose, if you’re third knuckle deep, stop and call your Mom.

I have alternating free flowing breathing now (I can breathe through my left and right nostril but not at the same time). I hope I’m fully functional by Christmas, but if not, I’ll still be pleased I got the surgery.

Having a semi working nose rocks!  Happy Christmas, you plank.

Follow me, @Matrickk