The infamous Stile Inn (Wolverhampton) has a reputation for less than stellar behaviour from audience members when it comes to stand up comedy. Something the comedic trio Jack Kirwan, Freddie Farrell and Harriet Dyer no doubt knew about when they started ‘Doin’ It Piggy Stile’
Innocent sounding enough Doin’ it Piggy Stile made its debut oink Thursday 28th of February offering a buffet, a free pint and a splashing of comedy all for just £6. Understandably the whole of Wolverhampton upon hearing this offer, descended upon the Stile Inn like a swarm.
Jack Kirwan, winner of #HashTagFunny winner February 2013 at the Public in West Bromwich took MC duties and started off proceedings by quelling the rowdy crowd with a throng of scything comments directed at one particularly rowdy individual (He won’t wear Hi-Tech ever again). Kirwan, introduced all the acts and sprinkled his coy, curve-ball humour all night long.
First on stage of the four comedians performing on the night was Black Country born Masai Graham. Masai, showed immense talent improvising before getting into his set which got the night off to a great start, getting laughs from the audience at every turn with his classic joke approach coupled with a unique style of stand up comedy.
After the interval, Birmingham based Freddie Farrell took to the stage and was met with a raucous applause from the crowd. He settled in quickly and made it known that “no, no-one talks during my set” much to the delight of everyone inside the Stile Inn. They loved being lead, and Farrell gave a truly commanding performance with tales of fatherhood as well as his deep sunken love and hate for the lower classes.
(You must be in trouble if you’re getting snobbed by a guy from Birmingham.)
Third to grace the crowd with their presence was Harriet Dyer, fresh from her performance for Comic Relief at the University of Wolverhampton. The eccentric Dyer invited the audience on a particularly quizzical journey through the warp of her mind. She did not disappoint and even invited the audience to a game of “Interpretive Modern Whale Song”…not your typical 15 minute set!
With the night already a rousing success, the headline act had his work cut out for him. Rich Wilson, a comedy veteran since 2004 didn’t just meet the standard of the all the acts tonight, he gathered the audience in his hand and poked and prodded in just the right places for a superb 25 minutes of comedy. The London native dealt with a particularly drunk, drunk swiftly and then ploughed through his clearly honed and sharpened set.
A brilliant night.
The next Doin’ It Piggy Stile takes place on the 25th of April at the Stile Inn in Wolverhampton, £6 entry with a buffet and a free drink.
Andy Robinson headlining. Darren Harriott opening and Jim Kelly and Lovdev Barpaga in the middle.
Yeah that’s exactly what it sounds like folks, a girl ate her own used tampon on camera, then put it on the internet…Thank you, because we like crazy shit don’t we internet! If you haven’t seen this, go find it. I’m not linking you to a video because it’s easy enough to find and I don’t want to be tempted into a wank again.
As with everything on the internet there’s controversy coming from anyone who see’s this video as anything more than a “Oh fuck!” sighting red colour dye with screams of “FAKE, FAKE MAN, ITS FAKE!” And I for one will be the first to admit that It could be fake, but I don’t care. I didn’t even know what a tampon really looked like coming into this video and I’m 21, I just never looked when my mom used to throw them at me and my brother, it’s just something I didn’t do.
The video starts as a fairly happy scene, a smiling pound heavy teen with big ol’ tittay’s and a really nice bathroom with wood and plants everywhere. The girl then introduces herself and shows the camera that there’s nothing going on the floor, no 3rd party interaction or anything, she then proceeds to pull out her blood filled wad of cloth and unhappiness with little more than a squint and places it every so lovingly on the counter for us…
It’s everything you’d expect and twice as hot. If you aren’t turned on by now, then boy there’s something wrong with you. We all know what’s coming now, the gulp. She holds the tampon to her nose and recoils from the stench of either the blood or her pussy, we just don’t know. Then she looks at the camera and says with all the zeal in the world.
“If anybody thinks this is a fake, there’s something seriously wrong with you.” With a quirky smile for the camera.
“YOU’RE EATING A FUCKING TAMPON YOU SILLY BITCH!”
Although this is bleak, fear not Internet! She does have a wooden Indiana Jones-like cup of water and some music to get her in the zone. As if that’s going to make the experience any better but she keeps fist pumping, takes a sip of water and in goes the tampon…
She did!
I won’t lie, I tapped out when the first copper flavouring touched her tongue I just couldn’t handle it. I genuinely felt like I’d aged 400 years like our Nazi treasure hunter friend up there.
Then she sucks out the nourishment and throws up all over her daddy’s middle class bathroom and we get an icky feeling in our mouth and start feeling differently about vagina much like an actor synonymous with Scientology did 20 years ago.
Now we come to the question of ‘why?’ What would propel a happy teen to suck on tampon for the Internet’s amusement? I DON’T KNOW, but i’ve came up with this set of answers.
. She was hungry (first fat joke, eat a dick)
. Search for the fountain of youth
. Jock said he’d swing her some pipe her way if she did it
. It’s fake and she wanted to troll us
. Internet fame
. Or she’s the ultimate truth or dare player in the history of the fucking world.
I hope it’s the latter I really do because I don’t want to see on the news in 2 days time that she’s been found hanging in her bedroom from 5000 tied together tampon strings…That would be really sad.
I’ll sign off with a piece of advice that we can all take on board and inject into our day-to-day lives. Tampons are not for eating, period.
This show sucked a rancid dick for an hour and a half.
With the end of X-factor and James Arthur’s miserable head in the far distance of Saturday night TV, Tulisa’s infuriating opening ‘walk, walk, stand, wink, smile’ routine over and Christopher Maloney’s Nan slowly falling out of relevance and hopefully down a set of council rented stairs. ITV have pulled up their pants and launched a new and slightly different programme in a bid to soak up viewing figures on Saturday nights, in the delightful form of an 18 year-old Olympian in Speedos.
I know!
It’s a decent formula so far among the 15-22 year-old girls and the bearded stay-at-home wolf t-shirt demographic
But among most of the folks watching it Saturday night, it wasn’t a hit. Though you might smirk at fat people falling over or goo up at T-Money’s cute smile, you might even mistake Splash for a good show. Until you realise you’re watching a less cruel Total Wipe Out with no mud, no visible tits and Jo Brand, not submerged a la Casino Royale style but thankfully clothed.
If you were unlucky enough and bereft of any reason not to sit in front of Vernon Kay, over enunciating his words with his big Richard Kiel like jaw (Two Bond references already!?) and Gabby Logan randomly changing accents and being the staple “none threatening, semi-attractive woman” TV has seemingly adopted over the past 4 months.
Look they’re pretty enough, but not ’vinegar stroke’ pretty, are they?
The show involved a 6-9 heaps of water, dry (or wet HAHAHA) bullshit humour, four average tits, two people who ‘know’ that thing you do instinctively before you die in water… And a whole bunch of close up shots of the previous location of the ‘liquid gold’ Tyler Durden cooked in Fight Club.
While poor little Tom Daley was flexing his freakishly muscular thighs and showing off his dog shit tattoo of the Olympic rings on his bicep (he magnificent, shiny, taught bicep by the way), Twitter was alight with less than well thought out comments and general bile and hatred towards ITV. That’s fine because as entitled, vintage wearing fuck faces we think our opinions matter. Thus, like a terrible water shit, Twitter was covered in nastiness.
Calm down you fuck! It wasn’t real poop.
While that may seem harsh, that was a fairly accurate way to describe the show. What the fuck were we expecting though? It’s a TV programme based solely around pointing a camera at pseudo celebrities after the producer tells said celeb to “act more scared…” as well as “Can you make a back story for the show. Just be, I don’t know, interesting you know? Maybe you got raped in a pool as a kid, is that something you can do?” Before they look at the camera with wet hands and goggles and say timidly “I’m a bit nervous” jump and fall into water.
“Surely that can’t be IT, Matt?” I hear you cry.
Yes, that is it! That shit is what was taking up the prime time slot on ITV1 on Saturday’s in Great Britain. We can moan all we like and tap away at our silly phones tweeting about “Tom Daley is gay” or something about how bad Jo Brand’s twot probably smells like.
I’m not sure but I think the aroma is similar to that of a littoral cave full of stagnant water and dead seals.
Don’t moan you silly whore. I don’t give a fuck if “I hate ‘hometown’, this is shit!” Because it’s probably not as you don’t live in war-torn Baghdad, picking up your sister’s legs and throwing them down a well. You’re just a little annoyed you’re back living with your parents for Christmas. Your University town isn’t any better, it’s just got people you let fuck you living in it.
You’ve been away from your close family, you haven’t dealt with your dad coming back from work, miserable and depressed because he aimed for the middle and knocked your mom up at 21 and now regrets everything he’s ever done. You’ve been away from your brothers and sisters too, who are all fucked up with their own problems like “I hope I get an iPhone 5, 4S can suck my dick!”
Now you’re upset because you’ve been slammed straight back into the middle of it after you’ve just started to get your own shit together by
drinking lambrini and getting fucked by less than 6’s because you like attention. But then again who doesn’t like being brought double vodka and redbull’s all night?
“NOT ME!”
But the cries keep coming and the moans don’t stop Facebook and Twitter is still the breeding ground for upset teenagers who will be serving you your double espresso latte with extra froth in 2 years and one abortion’s time.
“Get me back to Manchester!” Why do they keep posting that? Because they probably had a fight with their mum about picking up socks and now every time you log onto Facebook to post a picture of your newly cooked meal, you get to see that. It’s not a fucking good use of time is it? If you want to moan, crush a wine glass into your quirky Christmas jumper and put it back in your wardrobe and wait until your curious cat jumps at it, then you have something real to moan about. There’s nothing like piecing bits of cat together on Christmas day is there?
Stop fucking moaning and be a person to your family. Especially you mum who every time you answer back (on Facebook) or throw a strop (on Facebook) thinks back to all the wine she could’ve drank, and all the angry guy’s she could’ve mouthed off at while you were cooking in her stomach. She’s thinking she missed out on finding out what ‘the black hype’ was all about! Make her think “Meh, I’m glad I didn’t meet Lemar” this Christmas, be a person and don’t moan you petulant fucking child.
I wrote all that before today, I feel bad now. It’s Christmas Eve and I’m super psyched to be around and not dead in a ditch or drinking Jaeger bombs in a night club right now.
I’m 21, 8 days ago I had surgery on my deviated septum. I’m not there yet, but I feel WAY better than I felt on day 4. If you’re getting over this surgery and you’re on day 1-5, put the shogun down, it gets better, eventually.
I went through my teenage years with only half a working nostril. I was a total mouth breathing retard, constantly falling asleep with my mouth gaping open and that then leads to having a dry, sore throat and tonsils. Trust me, waking up most mornings with a throat that resembles that disgusting sand filled vagina-hole in Return of the Jedi is not a character building experience.
So at 21 I thought ‘fuck it’ and I perused getting my nose fixed.
Now after the limited amount of research I looked blankly at for 10 minutes, I learned very little. But from the majority of the updates on the internet and people’s own feelings post surgery, I was feeling glum as fuck. People of the internet LOVE a moan, and so do I. Here’s what went down for me.
Day 1: Waking up after surgery, I was out for 2 hours. I come around surrounded by people, mostly folks who work there. I’m groggy and at this point VERY murderable, seriously, I wouldn’t have been able to run away from a worm with leprosy at that point. The first thing I did was throw up, everywhere, all blood, more than once. My nose was tightly packed with gauze and dissolvable packs which hold the airways of your newly cut-to-fuck nose open. I threw up some more, and then went home after asking the nurse If I could as hospitals aren’t my favourite place. Yeah, people die there every day, fuck that.
I know that last insight may have blown your mind but hold onto your ass, It happens. The best thing you can do is get home, buy painkillers and bring your stress level down and just prepare yourself for a sucky 3 days.
Day 2: I slept for 2 hours, it was a dogshit sleep. My throat hurt more than my nose, the breathing tube they used in surgery must’ve been jammed down my neck like a plumbing snake, I was in pain. My nose is packed with blood, snot, poor African children and these pads which absorb the blood. Eating is painful, smiling is painful, my face hurt. I watched a lot of Scrubs and endeavoured to find out if anyone with Dr Turks charisma ever really could exist around that many dying people.
Day 3: I slept worse, my face wasn’t bruised but it felt like a small ape was behind my nose punching pink discharge out of my newly formed face, which is expected but it’s a fairly shit experience. Now you may get asked to squirt a saline solution up your nose 4 times a day to keep your snout moist and lower infection rates, you might not want to do this because it’s uncomfortable, and that’s fine but if you don’t do this you’re a gonk. Tough it out and squirt that salty stuff into your mouth and nose you pretty boy.
Day 4: Getting better, feeling more like myself. I don’t hate being alive at this point but I’m exciting to start being able to eat again. However, Illness strikes and my uvula swells to the size of roughly my entire throat so it’s a perfect fit to fuck with my life. Drinking is agony and eating is impossible. After a quick call to the hospital, they throw me some steroids which bring down the swelling. Now if this happens to you, get on the horn with the hospital and get these steroids straight away. Your throat won’t get better on it’s own because your nose being blocked shoves more air into your mouth and that aggravates your dangly. Get the roids, they’re only pills but they make your next 5 days bearable to the point you can eat soft bread and butter, which at that point for me tasted like I was eating a steak that God took off the Hindu’s thousands of years ago, and reared it, took care of it then violently killed and cooked in secret, just for me. It was wonderful.
Day 5 onwards: Stop moaning, you get better now! You still shouldn’t run, walk, move at all but if you hang out and home and get some work done, write a poem, pet your cat or just watch hours of loose women and start appreciating just how miserable having dried up eggs inside your cunt makes 4 middle-aged women. Just rest, rest and eat light and don’t get too brave when picking your nose, if you’re third knuckle deep, stop and call your Mom.
I have alternating free flowing breathing now (I can breathe through my left and right nostril but not at the same time). I hope I’m fully functional by Christmas, but if not, I’ll still be pleased I got the surgery.
Having a semi working nose rocks! Happy Christmas, you plank.
So you’re off to University? Congratulations, you’ve now all but saddled yourself with a mind-crushing debt upwards of £27,000 and you’ve yet to really do anything with your life except pass your driving test and lose your virginity. No but seriously, you’ve had the prospect of university drilled into your soft brain for three years by teachers and parents, so you’re kind of fucked. You’ll have to slog it out, stay up late and work till the very sight of an empty Word document sends you frantically screaming, falling backwards through an upturned reality while biting a homeless person’s face off. You’ll bitch, moan, drink alone in your halls and squeeze at least one unknown liquid out of your genitals by the time you’re done. So you better make it a double, for an extra £1.
Freshers
Yeah! All week partying, a week of freebies, a week of drinking down any shred of an idea you have of what the fuck you’re actually doing with your life. You’re scared but the Jaeger makes for fantastic angst concealer, take that one with you.
It’s okay though, everyone is scared and lonely. You might be thinking “but if everyone’s lonely, doesn’t that mean we should all bond and be happy and nice to our fellow-man or woman, so that life is easier?”
No, you shouldn’t. You are not that likable, you are probably one of the most annoying people ever to be shot out of a cunt. Every quirk your friends back home thought was cute, will more than likely make people want to wound you with a blunt object. There’s a huge chance you will not totally love everyone you meet as well. However, because you’re afraid, worried and so desperate to get a hold of a gaggle of ‘Uni friends’ to compete with your friend’s Uni friends and obviously have people to take ‘#yolo’ photographs with, you’ll be willing to let anyone in.
“It’s 4am, I’ve just had the greatest night of my life…now I have to go Skype with my girlfriend”
Sex & Relationships
You will fuck… a lot. I’ve heard from reliable sources that men’s tallies go up by half from when they were nailing back home, and for women, up-to 6 times as many. I know right, that’s bullshit, that is a lie because you are a beautiful delicate lady who would never want to cram two dicks into your mouth while someone films you. That might be true, but you are going to fuck other people, you just are, there are 133,357 students your age, away from their parents, with their own rooms with locking fucking doors (there’s a joke in there). That’s like putting Sandusky in a playground and telling him not to start a prestigious football academy (boyfucking).
If you’re a guy with no real interest in ‘UniLad’ your hands will look like callus-y apprenticeship, working class hands in no time at all, get ready. It’s not a bad thing though, you can further your sexual experiences, do some crazy shit and have a fun story to tell people. How much better is:
“This one time at university, kids I went to a bar with a few friends and picked up this Thai chick. We had a few drinks then ended up back at mine. One thing lead to another and then I blacked out… I woke up later in A&E with my wrist shackled to a chair by a handcuff, no shoes, a bloody nose and a speeding ticket… as well as having a gram of coke in my pocket”
Compared to: “I got off the phone with your mom, then went to sleep”.
And that kids, is how I met your mother, now put E4 on.
Drinking
You’ll think you can drink more because you’re in a new place, a new town with new people and because you’re horrendously awkward with new people, because you’ve been pals with the same four people for the best part of your lame existence… You have to evolve and alcohol, alcohol my friend is the brilliant primordial soup that will help you grow. Just think of alcohol as folic acid, ask you’re mom about it.
It’s like the evolution of zombies, we made them slow, and then we made them run. We (people) even went crazy and made a zombie baby in Dawn of the Dead… so fuck, you can evolve; you’ll get fucking awesome so don’t kill yourself! Just throw up and cry.
You’ll never have enough money
WOAH! don’t start blowing folks for change just yet (seriously keep that in the pipe line though.) Consider giving up smoking you fucking douche; buy less expensive alcohol. Glen’s vodka tastes like battery acid but it’ll get you just as drunk as vodka from a crystal horn, built from the antler of a stag named Jaquen H’Gar. Although really, you don’t need a fuck load of money to survive at University. It’s fantastic if you have a trust fund, a dead grandparent or your mom lathers care packages onto you, but for the majority of us, we’ve left for University with the intention of seeing the family at Christmas and birthdays only. Fuck Mother’s day.
Tip: Every student is poor, don’t complain or moan. Also, no one gives a shit if you get a job, you’re an adult. “You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis“. Be cool and quote pop culture movies like a dork.
Tip: I know the temptation to take pictures of empty bottles seems like a fun and quirky idea, but don’t fucking do it.
Granted, that is bad ass.
Naaht funny!
I found that when I went back home after my first year finished, I didn’t really gel all that well with my old friends. I’d become accustomed to, not high-brow humour, (I was still making dick jokes by the dozen) but I couldn’t just chat shit for hours like I used to (so I’ve moved onto a blog!). It’s similar to being sober when everyone you hang out with is all shades of drunk, you turn into an asshole full of misanthropy and quiet self hate.
Now the only reason for this is that you’ve had a new experience and in many ways, you’ve grown up and the sudden end of term has catapulted you back to the former ‘you’ of a year ago, worrying about revision and posting it all over Facebook and Twitter. So now you’re comparing how shit your life is at home to how awesome and great university is.
You’ll find out new words and phrases at University. I found out ‘Got time for this’ which pretty much means “Yes, I like this”. With groups of friends, when they hang out, they have little memes and inside jokes which when they’re all together, they laugh at. The sad thing is that they don’t translate to other groups. So out of the blocks of your character which form the building that is you, I’d say about 40% of that is going to wither away and die. This goes onto the ‘evolve’ point, you’ll change as a person.
Don’t worry though! That £6,000 maintenance loan that you fought tooth and claw against http://www.studentfinance.direct.gov.ukfor, looks as good to you as bread and cheese looked to the folks walking out of Auschwitz.
It’s not all bad though, you will make friends and embark on new journeys that will no doubt help to form you as a person DISCLAIMER you’ll probably lose an erection at some point.
I think I’m growing up, I feel like I am. I’m noticing things, changing my behaviours, recognising people’s feelings. For example last night I was alone in my room, waiting for something exciting to happen, after a few hours I pulled up my laptop and began surfing for porn. I thought I’d give myself a treat and try something different. Now for those who don’t know, the internet is over encumbered with porn. Dominatrix, anal, fisting, S&M, mature, oldie, young, barely legal… It’s crazy.
I’ve been single for a while, don’t judge.
Anyway I was having a search then I found this one video, titled ‘Spit’…
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, and no, it does not stand for ‘Star Personality In Tv’. It was a porno, (not the picture below) I began watching.
She was probably the ‘female lead’ I’m not sure
After a few minutes of questioning why I’m not doing normal things like talking to a girl or spending time with actual people, I start thinking “That will kill you if that goes all the way in… NO WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! Wipe your chin!”
Now, I said at the start of this, I’m growing up and recognising people’s feeling. I began feeling empathy for this girl, I started thinking about this movie… she was basically sat on the floor getting her mouth ploughed by this dude, who may well have been part centaur, he was packing heat. For a porno to make you feel anything from the waist up is a huge deal, but for it to tick boxes in the ‘morality’ section of your brain, that’s something else
Kind of, but not really. Equally convincing rape scene though.
So this girl is having trouble here, I’d say that her stomach is partially digesting the tip of this dude’s prick at this point. Still watching out of shock I start going over in my mind and pondering… more like hoping, i’m hoping her dad has been dead for a long time, because this is an actual person, who eats, drinks and sleeps, admittedly probably through tears and a bleeding asshole, but fuck. I had about 9 minutes left and I just froze, with sheer pity and disappointment.
I still finished off by the way, She may be in the most degrading, terrible position ever, getting violently skull-fucked by a strange man but fuck, papa needs to cum.
